Under or overparenting?
I read an article, that was shared by a Montessori forum: Welcome to the age of overparenting.
The article was super-long, I didn't even have patience to read it all, but it made me think.
It talks about modern generation of parents. Actually - about very involved, devoted and loving parents from very wealthy conditions (so how big is this issue really? This group of parents probably makes less than 1% of the parents in the world, but ok, that's another story.. "Problems of the rich people"..)
But as we can be included in this group, I gave this a thought.
It is an experience of a parent, who has herself had actually a happy childhood (in many ways praising it - the amazing independence we had as children, the creativity and initiative it created), but in the same time feels that her parents weren't involved and caring enough, the author is one of the nowadays really over-caring parents (I think that here would fit the term of helicopter-parenting, even though the article doesn't mention it.), who is SO caring and SO loving, that children don't have even any time to breathe on their own, to keep their feelings and thoughts to themselves. They are praised constantly, she even mentions, that is saying: Good job!, many times a day, every day!
..overally I'd say that the described family seems totally insane to me. Way, way overparenting, really!
Even though I am a very involved and caring parent, I really wouldn't say, that I am like that. The article maybe wouldn't concern me at all, but she mentions Attachment Parenting and my beloved Dr. Sears there as well, as a part of the generation of modern parents.
So here I must say, I think it's mixing two entirely different things. One thing is providing your children with safe attachment and feeling of security - especially when they are babies! I think it's almost impossible to overparent a less-than-1-year-old (maybe it is.. but then you have to be really quite obsessed..) - it's just entirely different thing, if you provide the child with the closeness that he or she wants and needs, and asks for (for example, not letting them cry alone, holding and carrying them whenever they need, allowing to breastfeed as often as they want, co-sleeping), or - entirely another thing - if you are not letting them to be on their own even for a minute, even if they are fine and happy to play on their own - you're always in their face, trying to entertain them, so they can't even hear their own thoughts.
So I think it's really wrong to put Attachment Parenting and Overparenting in the same box. I consider myself an Attachment-parent, but definitely don't think I ever run a risk of overparenting. I follow Montessori principles, which are strongly suggesting promoting the independence of the child.
Also, yes, it comes a lot from our own childhood. I have read books about the fact, that the way our parents have treated us, even in so early childhood that we consciously don't remember it, that it is so deeply in us, that we are (mostly unconsciously) repeating the same pattern. Doing the same things and acting the same way our parents did.
Only other way is, if a person realizes it and strongly wishes to do differently (goes also for the author of the article), then - consciously - can try to be different, do differently. But it's not easy at all, takes a lot of work and effort, and can have throw-backs. It's also possible to go from one ditch straight to another. Because the way we have been raised ourselves is really deeply in us.
I have it the easy way then.. Because I can only thank God that I have been born in a (really) pretty amazing and perfect family, I seriously have almost nothing to complain about.. Same goes for my Husband, he has also a wonderful family and wonderful parents. (Of course, I realize this more and more, sometime I didn't..) We both have been really lucky, we don't have to change anything much, our own family parenting style is pretty much a combination - we take the very best from each of our families'.
My mother definitely wasn't overparenting, she actually likes her own independence and her own projects, I think she wasn't, for example, playing with us, when we were children, but instead we were playing on our own, and she was sewing, doing her stuff. Same time I could never say we were neglected, we always have talked, for example, I always told totally everything that had happened at school, when I came home. It was natural.
Before Adelaide was born, I was examining these memories and thinking, what has been put in me, what kind of a parent will I be. And even though I probably am more cutie-cutie with my child than my mom (just from the type of personality), I still realized already then, that I probably (same as my mom) will be expecting quite much of independence from my children. Independence, playing on their own, being able to take care of themselves and stand up for themselves, think for themselves.
I even thought it might be bad, that maybe I should be less like that.. But now I realize that it's all good. It's great.
I grew up fast, I was really independent at a very early age, and I would be happy, if my children would turn out the same. It actually can be a bit hard for the parent, I believe.. (I really don't know, what would I do, as a parent, if my child would behave the way I did, when I was a teenager.. :D ) But for the child, it's better.
After all, that is our task as parents - to raise them independent and self-confident, so they would leave the nest. Even though sometimes we wish they would stay under our wing forever.. :)
And here, actually about the same subject, but to apply right now - a good post, a reminder, how to treat our children, even babies from the very beginning, respectfully, to give them their independence - a post from another Montessori blog.
This is really useful for me, because I can honestly say, I should try to be better at this. Sometimes I'm tired and just want to get over and done with things. Instead, I should take my time and actually respectfully connect with my child, in that way letting her connect with herself and her independence.
Parenting is not easy. :)
The article was super-long, I didn't even have patience to read it all, but it made me think.
It talks about modern generation of parents. Actually - about very involved, devoted and loving parents from very wealthy conditions (so how big is this issue really? This group of parents probably makes less than 1% of the parents in the world, but ok, that's another story.. "Problems of the rich people"..)
But as we can be included in this group, I gave this a thought.
It is an experience of a parent, who has herself had actually a happy childhood (in many ways praising it - the amazing independence we had as children, the creativity and initiative it created), but in the same time feels that her parents weren't involved and caring enough, the author is one of the nowadays really over-caring parents (I think that here would fit the term of helicopter-parenting, even though the article doesn't mention it.), who is SO caring and SO loving, that children don't have even any time to breathe on their own, to keep their feelings and thoughts to themselves. They are praised constantly, she even mentions, that is saying: Good job!, many times a day, every day!
..overally I'd say that the described family seems totally insane to me. Way, way overparenting, really!
Even though I am a very involved and caring parent, I really wouldn't say, that I am like that. The article maybe wouldn't concern me at all, but she mentions Attachment Parenting and my beloved Dr. Sears there as well, as a part of the generation of modern parents.
So here I must say, I think it's mixing two entirely different things. One thing is providing your children with safe attachment and feeling of security - especially when they are babies! I think it's almost impossible to overparent a less-than-1-year-old (maybe it is.. but then you have to be really quite obsessed..) - it's just entirely different thing, if you provide the child with the closeness that he or she wants and needs, and asks for (for example, not letting them cry alone, holding and carrying them whenever they need, allowing to breastfeed as often as they want, co-sleeping), or - entirely another thing - if you are not letting them to be on their own even for a minute, even if they are fine and happy to play on their own - you're always in their face, trying to entertain them, so they can't even hear their own thoughts.
So I think it's really wrong to put Attachment Parenting and Overparenting in the same box. I consider myself an Attachment-parent, but definitely don't think I ever run a risk of overparenting. I follow Montessori principles, which are strongly suggesting promoting the independence of the child.
Also, yes, it comes a lot from our own childhood. I have read books about the fact, that the way our parents have treated us, even in so early childhood that we consciously don't remember it, that it is so deeply in us, that we are (mostly unconsciously) repeating the same pattern. Doing the same things and acting the same way our parents did.
Only other way is, if a person realizes it and strongly wishes to do differently (goes also for the author of the article), then - consciously - can try to be different, do differently. But it's not easy at all, takes a lot of work and effort, and can have throw-backs. It's also possible to go from one ditch straight to another. Because the way we have been raised ourselves is really deeply in us.
I have it the easy way then.. Because I can only thank God that I have been born in a (really) pretty amazing and perfect family, I seriously have almost nothing to complain about.. Same goes for my Husband, he has also a wonderful family and wonderful parents. (Of course, I realize this more and more, sometime I didn't..) We both have been really lucky, we don't have to change anything much, our own family parenting style is pretty much a combination - we take the very best from each of our families'.
My mother definitely wasn't overparenting, she actually likes her own independence and her own projects, I think she wasn't, for example, playing with us, when we were children, but instead we were playing on our own, and she was sewing, doing her stuff. Same time I could never say we were neglected, we always have talked, for example, I always told totally everything that had happened at school, when I came home. It was natural.
Before Adelaide was born, I was examining these memories and thinking, what has been put in me, what kind of a parent will I be. And even though I probably am more cutie-cutie with my child than my mom (just from the type of personality), I still realized already then, that I probably (same as my mom) will be expecting quite much of independence from my children. Independence, playing on their own, being able to take care of themselves and stand up for themselves, think for themselves.
I even thought it might be bad, that maybe I should be less like that.. But now I realize that it's all good. It's great.
I grew up fast, I was really independent at a very early age, and I would be happy, if my children would turn out the same. It actually can be a bit hard for the parent, I believe.. (I really don't know, what would I do, as a parent, if my child would behave the way I did, when I was a teenager.. :D ) But for the child, it's better.
After all, that is our task as parents - to raise them independent and self-confident, so they would leave the nest. Even though sometimes we wish they would stay under our wing forever.. :)
And here, actually about the same subject, but to apply right now - a good post, a reminder, how to treat our children, even babies from the very beginning, respectfully, to give them their independence - a post from another Montessori blog.
This is really useful for me, because I can honestly say, I should try to be better at this. Sometimes I'm tired and just want to get over and done with things. Instead, I should take my time and actually respectfully connect with my child, in that way letting her connect with herself and her independence.
Parenting is not easy. :)
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