My view on baby's crying
So, our baby is still teething (or I still hope it's teething, not seeing any teeth yet), she doesn't have fever and seems healthy, apart from being (still) more fussy and cranky, and unhappy than she normally was. She was quite a happy baby. Almost all the time.. Oh, those nice times..
I'm not saying it's horrible. She is not crying all day and all night through, no, not at all. She just is crying. Sometimes. (She almost never did before.) So, in some way, of course - there is nothing much to complain about.. Some (or even most) people have babies like this all the time, or even worse. But well, we each have our own lives and our own babies, and there is no point to compare.
In some way, that's why it is so hard for me to bear any of her crying.. Because I know my baby, and I know that she doesn't cry for no reason. She is not one of those babies (that I have heard of..), who just need to cry, to let their emotions or over-stimulation, or frustration out. If she cries, then I know something is wrong. That's why it's very distressing, if I can't help her.
This long evening was somehow especially tough on me (probably I'm just tired), so while finally putting her to sleep, I googled something like: how not to go crazy when your baby cries..
Very foolish of me.
Because, of course, first article I open suggests letting them to just cry, some crying-it-out does no harm, and in fact, our parents were a lot smarter than we are, when they just left us in the crib to cry and went to work outside. Yeah. Ok. Closed this one.
Next article starts very promising, swearing that we do not just leave our babies to cry, but somehow, it's one of those, that with trying-to-sound-very-reasonable-and-senseful way of talking is telling you, that it is healthy to cry (I agree only very partly), it's good for your baby to cry, and once you have made sure there is no objective (hm? and who decides that? you or the baby?) reason why he's crying, obviously he just needs/wants to cry, and you should hold them (ok, at least this one doesn't suggest to stand there so they can see you, but do absolutely nothing), but only hold (not rock or swing), and let them cry.
This type of articles usually make it sound like it's somehow bad, if you always try to soothe your baby, and offering breast or rocking them is somehow disrespectful.
(To say then, what I think - of course, it would be bad to try stop them from crying at any cost, like forbidding to cry, or saying "don't cry!" or something even worse.. But if you are just trying to comfort and soothe, I can't anyhow agree it being harmful. If baby will not want your way of soothing (like breast, or even holding, oh, don't worry!, he will let you know..
All the comparisons with adults, and that it's healthy for adults to cry as well, so it's healthy for babies.. Well. Yes and no. Of course, it's bad to hide your bad feelings somewhere deep inside. But is crying always helpful? And furthermore, if you are happy, then you don't need to cry. And often some love and comforting will make you feel better and there will be no need to cry anymore, that's my opinion.)
So these last type of articles make me feel guilty (of soothing my baby!) and distressed, and.. plain wrong. Something, some feelings inside me just shout that that is not right. It can't be right to "calm down" and just let someone you love.. cry.
So then I "asked Dr. Sears" (founder of Attachment Parenting), and yay.. As always, when I need to find some answers or more often - conformation of the feelings I already have - in matters like breastfeeding, sleep and sleep issues, and many other parenting subjects, I find my peace here.
In THIS article about babies and crying, he says:
Responding to baby’s cries is biologically correct. A mother is biologically programmed to give a nurturing response to her newborn’s cries and not to restrain herself. Fascinating biological changes take place in a mother’s body in response to her infant’s cry.
It also admits, that sometimes babies just need to cry, or you don't know why, but this I can agree with:
There may be times when baby simply needs to cry, and you needn’t feel desperate to make him stop after trying all the usual things.
It’s a fact of new parent life that although babies cry to express a need, the style in which they do so is the result of their own temperament. Don’t take baby’s cries personally. Your job is to create a supportive environment that lessens baby’s need to cry, to offer a set of caring and relaxed arms so that baby does not need to cry alone, and to do as much detective work as you can to figure out why your baby is crying and how you can help. The rest is up to baby.
..researchers studied two groups of mother-infant pairs. Group 1 mothers gave a prompt and nurturant response to their infant’s cries. Group 2 mothers were more restrained in their response. They found that children in Group 1 whose mothers had given an early and more nurturant response were less likely to use crying as a means of communication at one year of age. These children seemed more securely attached to their mothers and had developed better communicative skills, becoming less whiny and manipulative.
Studies showed that mothers who gave a more restrained and less nurturant response gradually became more insensitive to their baby’s cries, and this insensitivity carried over to other aspects of their parent-child relationship. Research showed that leaving baby to cry-it- out spoils the whole family.
And finally..
One of the most ridiculous pieces of medical folklore is the dictum: “Let baby cry, it’s good for his lungs.” In the late 1970’s, research showed that babies who were left to cry had heart rates that reached worrisome levels, and lowered oxygen levels in their blood.
So even after a hard day, I can peacefully drink my tea now, knowing that I'm doing everything right. I'm doing, what feels right to me and to us. It might be different for different people, but nobody will never know.
We are given a baby who needs exactly us as her parents.. And I actually really feel sometimes, that she, even mostly very happy person, is still a very sensitive and emotional one, and she needs parents like us.
Sometimes it is very hard.. But I will try to keep this peace next time she cries, knowing that at least I'm doing everything that I can to help her.
I'm not saying it's horrible. She is not crying all day and all night through, no, not at all. She just is crying. Sometimes. (She almost never did before.) So, in some way, of course - there is nothing much to complain about.. Some (or even most) people have babies like this all the time, or even worse. But well, we each have our own lives and our own babies, and there is no point to compare.
In some way, that's why it is so hard for me to bear any of her crying.. Because I know my baby, and I know that she doesn't cry for no reason. She is not one of those babies (that I have heard of..), who just need to cry, to let their emotions or over-stimulation, or frustration out. If she cries, then I know something is wrong. That's why it's very distressing, if I can't help her.
This long evening was somehow especially tough on me (probably I'm just tired), so while finally putting her to sleep, I googled something like: how not to go crazy when your baby cries..
Very foolish of me.
Because, of course, first article I open suggests letting them to just cry, some crying-it-out does no harm, and in fact, our parents were a lot smarter than we are, when they just left us in the crib to cry and went to work outside. Yeah. Ok. Closed this one.
Next article starts very promising, swearing that we do not just leave our babies to cry, but somehow, it's one of those, that with trying-to-sound-very-reasonable-and-senseful way of talking is telling you, that it is healthy to cry (I agree only very partly), it's good for your baby to cry, and once you have made sure there is no objective (hm? and who decides that? you or the baby?) reason why he's crying, obviously he just needs/wants to cry, and you should hold them (ok, at least this one doesn't suggest to stand there so they can see you, but do absolutely nothing), but only hold (not rock or swing), and let them cry.
This type of articles usually make it sound like it's somehow bad, if you always try to soothe your baby, and offering breast or rocking them is somehow disrespectful.
(To say then, what I think - of course, it would be bad to try stop them from crying at any cost, like forbidding to cry, or saying "don't cry!" or something even worse.. But if you are just trying to comfort and soothe, I can't anyhow agree it being harmful. If baby will not want your way of soothing (like breast, or even holding, oh, don't worry!, he will let you know..
All the comparisons with adults, and that it's healthy for adults to cry as well, so it's healthy for babies.. Well. Yes and no. Of course, it's bad to hide your bad feelings somewhere deep inside. But is crying always helpful? And furthermore, if you are happy, then you don't need to cry. And often some love and comforting will make you feel better and there will be no need to cry anymore, that's my opinion.)
So these last type of articles make me feel guilty (of soothing my baby!) and distressed, and.. plain wrong. Something, some feelings inside me just shout that that is not right. It can't be right to "calm down" and just let someone you love.. cry.
So then I "asked Dr. Sears" (founder of Attachment Parenting), and yay.. As always, when I need to find some answers or more often - conformation of the feelings I already have - in matters like breastfeeding, sleep and sleep issues, and many other parenting subjects, I find my peace here.
In THIS article about babies and crying, he says:
Responding to baby’s cries is biologically correct. A mother is biologically programmed to give a nurturing response to her newborn’s cries and not to restrain herself. Fascinating biological changes take place in a mother’s body in response to her infant’s cry.
It also admits, that sometimes babies just need to cry, or you don't know why, but this I can agree with:
There may be times when baby simply needs to cry, and you needn’t feel desperate to make him stop after trying all the usual things.
It’s a fact of new parent life that although babies cry to express a need, the style in which they do so is the result of their own temperament. Don’t take baby’s cries personally. Your job is to create a supportive environment that lessens baby’s need to cry, to offer a set of caring and relaxed arms so that baby does not need to cry alone, and to do as much detective work as you can to figure out why your baby is crying and how you can help. The rest is up to baby.
..researchers studied two groups of mother-infant pairs. Group 1 mothers gave a prompt and nurturant response to their infant’s cries. Group 2 mothers were more restrained in their response. They found that children in Group 1 whose mothers had given an early and more nurturant response were less likely to use crying as a means of communication at one year of age. These children seemed more securely attached to their mothers and had developed better communicative skills, becoming less whiny and manipulative.
Studies showed that mothers who gave a more restrained and less nurturant response gradually became more insensitive to their baby’s cries, and this insensitivity carried over to other aspects of their parent-child relationship. Research showed that leaving baby to cry-it- out spoils the whole family.
And finally..
One of the most ridiculous pieces of medical folklore is the dictum: “Let baby cry, it’s good for his lungs.” In the late 1970’s, research showed that babies who were left to cry had heart rates that reached worrisome levels, and lowered oxygen levels in their blood.
So even after a hard day, I can peacefully drink my tea now, knowing that I'm doing everything right. I'm doing, what feels right to me and to us. It might be different for different people, but nobody will never know.
We are given a baby who needs exactly us as her parents.. And I actually really feel sometimes, that she, even mostly very happy person, is still a very sensitive and emotional one, and she needs parents like us.
Sometimes it is very hard.. But I will try to keep this peace next time she cries, knowing that at least I'm doing everything that I can to help her.
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